The Teal Ribbon

Rachel passed away a year ago today, as many of you recall. It seems like ten years ago, and yet yesterday. We were all shocked as things happened so quickly, but we adapted to do whatever we could to make things better for each other, in ways big and small. We wore the teal ovarian cancer ribbons in solidarity with Rachel, and then with her memory.


I've gotten many kind notes from people in the last couple of days, on top of the million and one kindnesses in the last year. Thank you, all of you.


The kids have done so well this past year. With the support of friends far and near, family, neighbors -- everyone -- there hasn't been a single real behavior problem or issue along the way. I was in touch with a grief counselor for the first few months post-Rachel, discussing every few weeks how the kids were getting along, and our joint decision each time was: they seem fine, so let's not force anything on them. And that's how the year played out.


One issue -- maybe -- was their total lack of reaction/recognition to what happened. They'll mention Mom in passing, comfortably, but don't talk about her or her death in depth -- ever. They rebuff any discussion I start on the subject. I think they've wanted so much just to blend back into their social fabric and not be "the kids whose Mom died".


The one time I took them to her grave was last October, on Rachel's birthday, to visit and leave some flowers. It was a total bust. I had to practically drag them there, and they wanted to leave immediately. At first I was pretty mad at their selfishness, but I came to appreciate that they just couldn't deal with it then, and I cooled off. (I've heard from adults who still can't visit their parents' graves.) When I say "they" I really mean "Fiona", as the boys just follow her lead. I won't take them all back to Calvary Cemetery until they ask me to.


St. A's 8:15am Mass was said in Rachel's name today, and I'd given the kids a heads-up that we'd be attending. I didn't get any guff from them in advance, nor did I this morning as we headed out. They were cooperative, but with little commentary, as usual. I thought: Does this day mean nothing to them? There was quite a crowd of friends and schoolmates in attendance as well, a great gesture.

While the whole day turned out to be harder and more emotional for me than I thought it would, the part that affected me most was when the four of us took the communion gifts up to the altar. As I walked behind the gang I noticed in Fiona's ponytail -- her teal ribbon. There was no fanfare, no planning, no "look at me" -- it was just her simple, perfect remembrance for the day. She seemed so mature, and she reminded me so much of...someone many of you knew.

What did I ever do to deserve such a wonderful daughter?

Pat