My office had a fun overnight social event this weekend in downtown Chicago -- drinks and dinner on Saturday night, organized to allow some family time on Saturday afternoon and again at Sunday morning brunch. The kids and I went down in the early afternoon to the Field Museum (it was pretty empty, due to the weather), then checked in to the hotel. They got to order room service for dinner, and stay in to watch a movie while I went out for our office dinner.
This morning we joined everyone for breakfast, then went up to my old parish, St. Clement's in Lincoln Park, for 11:15am Mass. I was a little distracted all weekend, I think, as today was my anniversary -- Rach and I were married 17 years ago at St. Clement's, on January 11th, 1992.
Unlike this weekend, that one was crisp and clear, about the best weather you can hope for from Chicago in January. After the Saturday afternoon wedding we had our reception at Cairo, a funky bar/restaurant on Wells (no longer in business), and wound up that evening still in full wedding regalia at the Burwood Tap, still very much in business. The next day it was off to the Turks and Caicos Islands in the Caribbean, while a snowstorm hit Chicago -- that's one treat to having a January wedding...
Something I'm sure people have wondered, but no one has asked, is: How long is Pat going to keep wearing his wedding ring? I've been thinking about this for a little while myself. What does it mean to keep wearing it? What does it mean to stop? What would I do with it? It's just a little piece of gold, so why do these seem like momentous questions?
As I knew this anniversary weekend was coming up I mulled it all over, and made a decision. At Mass at St. Clement's today I took my ring off and put it in an envelope in the collection along with a note to the pastor, giving him a little bit of the story and asking him to make the best use of it as he saw fit.
The symmetry of the whole thing was too compelling. I left St. Clement's 17 years ago with that ring on my finger, and it served me wonderfully as a symbol, a reminder -- maybe a talisman? (Good word, that.) Now it's been returned, completing another circle, to serve some new purpose (I wish it were worth more) while I journey on.
It's been four months since Rachel's passing. The saying "Life goes on" would have seemed trite, and maybe even cold or cruel, on September 9th, but now seems to fit -- it's an observation, not a slogan. What removing my ring doesn't mean is that I've stopped mourning or missing Rach, or that I'm ready to start something new. It was just...the right thing at the right time, and another small step toward closure (whatever that means). I suppose on the list of Who I Am, "Widower" has been moved down a notch, and "Single Dad" has moved up.
I don't want this to be just an "Oh Poor Pat" post, so let me assign a little homework to you married folks out there: What does your ring mean to you? More importantly, what does your marriage mean to you? And what are you doing about it?
A little heavy, I know -- I promise a return to frivolity next week.
Pat
(Inscription: "R.J.H. to P.J.H. 1/11/92")
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6 comments:
Pat,
I thought about you and Rachel today as I knew it is your anniversary. It was a beautiful wedding and fun reception at Cairo.
I think what you did with your ring is very meaningful and symbolic. I see it as another spoke in the "life goes on" wheel.
Anne
Hi Pat,
I too was thinking of you and Rachel this weekend. Your time here together on earth was cut way to short. Ring or no ring you and Rachel were a perfect fit. I know she was smiling down as you gave Father the envelope. Love and miss you both, NancyJane(aka) Fordie
Pat,
Your courage and faith, embodied by your faith and personality are a gift. Thank you for sharing and inspiring me to look at life with another set of eyes. Continue the good work. You are a blessing.
Tim Patton
Pat,
Thanks for keeping up the blog. I hadn't checked in for a number of weeks and I hope it continues to be meaningful for you to do this because it's really such a gift to all of us. I got a hearty belly laugh out of the "Elvis Story #2" entry. Dave Barry's comment is priceless. Any time you may be interested in doing a reprive of the dog show dorky run...I'm there! Also, this last blog was particularly touching and thoughtful. A little self-examination is a good thing and I'm taking you up on the last questions you pose. See you soon, Carol O.
Hi Pat, happy new year to you and the kids. I continue to read your blog and admire your positive spirit.
On the ring question/issue, when i was pregnant with Sarah (second child) my fingers grew so fat that wearing my wedding and engagement rings was impossible so I took them off and stored them in my jewelry box. This fat finger problem didnt seem to resolve for some years after and so my rings sat there for about 3 years.... As I went one day to see if they fit, I realized that they weren't where they were supposed to be. My 3 year old Sarah thought that she had been "playing weddings with them outside or somewhere" but as you could imagine she couldn't give me a straight story. I was frantic and demented and searched high and low for hours, days, weeks, months and eventually years, digging in the garden and searching in every nook and cranny of our house. No luck and a decade later, the long and short of it is that I have never found those rings..
I couldnt actually pluck up enough courage to tell Mel about this for about 5 years. I thought he might somehow love me a little less because I didnt look after the rings as well as I ought to have. Talk about being a stupid woman!!
I did tell him in the end and the result is that we concluded that the rings were only a sort of symbol to others of a lifelong committment and that we bought and wore the rings because it was dictated by religion, society and tradition that that is what you have to do when you get married.
Actually for the 2 of us the rings turned out to be very secondary. This year we will celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary. 18 years with rings and 10 years without rings.
And all 28 years with love, devotion and continued lifelong committment.
This kind of love, devotion and committment is what completely shone through those blogs in the difficult times through Rachel's illness,her passing and your picking up the pieces and not only coping but making such a wonderful life for your family.
I am sure that Rachel never once grabbed your hand to check if your ring was there or that your kids did a daily "body check" for the same in the weeks after her passing. Love transends everything and needs no material tokens as proof.
All that said I still live in hope of finding those blinkin rings one day and from time to time will dig the garden and search some hitherto unsearched corner of the house..... Talk about creature of habit and tradition....
If not us to carry that on, who else eh??
All the best
Gill Mel Tom and Sarah Hodkinson
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Very touching and very wise. Your blogs are so well written and show a wonderful attitude about life and living. Keep it up.
Elaine Kraatz
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